What happened??

STOLEN FROM ALANAS BLOG

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Therapy
I guess I see this blog as therapy.
It's who I talk to when I feel like I have nobody to talk to.
I need to talk.

This week my issue is friends.
Apparently I have a very different idea of friendship than some people.That isn't a bad thing, just a difference of opinion.I went for years with nobody. All the years we lived in California I was, for all intents and purposes, friendless. It was Scott and I. And that was it. I went to school, and I had school friends. You know the ones you hang out with while in class and buddy up with in lab, but they weren't people I hung out with or even talked to outside of school. I worked all day taking care of the twins, then I went to school until 10 at night, went home and went to bed. We did fun stuff on the weekends together. That was my life for 3 years. When we moved back to California it was the same story all over again. I worked full time, had people at work I was pals with, but not that I hung out with after. Then I had Lizzie and I pretty much stayed at home with her alone all day for 3 years. I joined the MOMS club about a month before I found out we were moving. met a couple people I really liked but didn't bother getting to know because I knew we were leaving.

We cam back to Utah but lived in Ogden which made spending time with friends difficult unless we were willing to drive to SL every day.For a while I had someone I considered a "best" friend. Someone I talked to every day... usually 4 or 5 times. Someone I shared history with. Someone who I felt knew me well and cared. Sadly I always felt like I invested more in the relationship that she did. I always felt like I was not as "good" a friend to her as she was to me. She had 75 other best friends too. I only had her. There were people in her life that were favored over me.. people I liked, people I was friends with, but that she would push me aside when they were around. That always hurt me a lot. I had other friends too.. but they were all made through her. So when our friendship ended so did all the others. The thing that hurt more than anything else was the knowledge that my absence in her life is nothing to her.I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss having that friendship. That history. The inside jokes etc. etc. I miss having someone who enjoyed the same things, the concerts and parades.. who understood me and my quirks.

I don't miss the drama. I don't miss being the one she recruited to hate all her enemies for her. I don't miss the mis-trust. It sucks that the one "girlfriend" I've ever had I never totally 100% trusted (and that trust issue proved to be completely realized when the divorce happened and things that were told in confidence were repeated to Scott). But I was so desperate to have that relationship that I put up with it.so anyway long story.. um.. longer.I've been feeling sad of late that I lost all my "friends". This was precipitated by a visit from some friends from out of town that stayed with Scott and I wasn't invited or allowed to see. It hurt. A lot.Eric argues that I have a TON of online friends..and friends from High School that I talk to frequently through Facebook,and go out with on occasion. But to me that's not a BEST FRIEND. That isn't someone who knows all my deep darks. Someone who I can say 'dirty llama' to and they know what I mean and willl laugh like a loon with me about it. You know?I guess my life isn't horrible without that kind of friend. I honestly went a long time without one and survived.

Eric says "go out and make new friends". I want to know how the hell to do that. I work full time, then I go home and either take care of the house or my kid. When do I have time to go this mystical friend store and find someone? And another thing: Women my age.. pretty much all have life long bosom friends already. I am the exception, as usual. I could find a million people to have a casual friendship with, but honestly where the hell am I gonna find a new best friend? Do I really need to? Is it just as good to have a bunch of buddies as opposed to ONE best friend?ARGH....Why am I so difficult?
Posted by Alana at 1:24 PM 5 comments
Labels: rollercoasters


MamaBear said...
you're still MY BFF furrever anever anever amen! (i can hear you shrieking at that, truly i can.)seriously. been waiting for you to ask me to matron of honor for ya again.but truly seriously, i kwym all too well. finding that bff furrever is close to impossible. that's why i won't let you go, however close to stalkerism that may sound. all my very bffs were made ages ago. who has room in their life for one more commitment?i'm looking for activities that will open up the opportunity that is my BFF, but i don't have applicants jumping at the chance quite yet. you're still gold! (((hugs)))
4:24 PM MST
Lorene said...
My redheaded, hot tempered, beautiful friend.....what am I ever going to do with you??? BFF's do not necessarily have to be people that you see all the time, hang out with all the time, nothing like that. One of my BFF's I see very infrequently and we e-mail all the time. I also have a BFF in a completely different state...haven't seen her in over 8 years but we love each other just the same. And lady, there is NOTHING wrong with you at all! You are awesome, strong, determined, beautiful, and a joy to have in my life. I am grateful each and every day for us finding each other again.Now pull yourself up, dust off your chin, and STOP BEING BLUE!!
12:24 PM MST
Anonymous said...
Hello Dahlink,I just recently joined the "use the blog as therapy" world myself. My daughter is a part of me and I tell her things that I can't tell anyone else but some stuff is TMI, TMI, TMI for her.I have maybe two BFF's One I would trust with anything or anyone. She lives in Murray and I see her a few times a year and we don't have much contact by phone or email but I know if I called her she would be there if I had a need.My other BFF lives in California. She used to live in Ogden and it was great, we had so much time together and then she moved away. I call her a BFF even though she told one of my secrets once and cause a lot of pain to a lot of people so I can't tell her anything I wouldn't want on the front page of the paper but somehow I still love her. I call her a BFF but I don't trust her any further than I can throw her (and she's a big girl) so maybe I am just really stretching the definition of BFF. Everyone else I know is just someone I know. I wouldn't even call them friends really. It's pretty much K-Dawg and me.After I pull myself out of the hole I currently reside in maybe we can spend some time together. I know what the dirty llama means!xoxo
2:39 PM MST
SurprisingWoman said...
I shouldn't have been shown as anon, I don't know what happened. It's just me. :)
2:40 PM MST
T-I-double g er said...
You know what sucks? I wish it was really that easy.I wish I could forget how much fun we had together... I mean OMG the roadtrip is forever burned into my brain and I'll never ever forget that it was too windy to pee on the side of the road so we decided to try and take pictures of us doing "rock star jumps" off the boulders on the side of the road... Seriously who are either of us going to find to do that with?? No one will ever understand"I'M PISSED OOOOOOFF!!!!!"

BUT there are somethings that were def off kilter with us. You say that I recruited you to hate my enemys? #1 yes I bitched to you when I was pissed at someone. I told you just about every thought that went through my stupid little head. I thought that's what friends are for... apparently I was wrong. #2 You did the same thing to me... every time you were pissed off at your dad or brothers or sister or mom or scott or whoever you happened to be mad at you told me all about it and expected me to be sympathetic... AND I WAS! To me that's not a big deal.

As for Missa and Pete you could have come up to the house and seen them. Or you could have told her you wanted her to come have dinner with you and eric.. hell you could have even invited Jon to dinner and you wouldn't have felt bad about that too. Its not like I was going to stand in the background and pull faces at you. And even if I did, who cares?? If you think that I'm not sad that I'm not going to the young dubs concert to rock out in the front row, or that I have NO ONE IN THE WORLD to empathize with that Steve has officially left BNL, or that I might accidentally see you at the St. Patricks day parade and it will be awkward, or that I don't feel like I can comment on all the hilarious things that brenda says either on her blog or yours, You would be wrong.I'm just sorry that apparently you never saw/felt/believed how much I really truly loved you and saw you as a sister.
5:19 PM MST

for the love....

Apparently I need to go have bloodwork done so that I can see if I'm dying. *sigh*

Stupid knee. My ankle and leg are swollen so now one of my doctors thinks I have Deep vein thrombosis and I hafta go get a blood test done to see if my blood is clotted. Sheesh.

Who does this?? LOL

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Barenaked Ladies Plan Album, Call Split With Singer 'Positive'

Barenaked Ladies
February 25, 2009 07:27 PM ET

Calling Barenaked Ladies' split with Steven Page "a really positive thing for all of us," co-founder Ed Robertson says the group is energized and looking forward to its "new era.""We're really excited about the future," Robertson told Billboard.com on Wednesday (Feb. 25), after Page's departure was announced. "Certainly it's the end of an era, but things change and the creative process is always changing. We're really excited about getting into the studio and exploring that."Page's departure, he noted, had been brewing for some time and "was not a shock to everyone involved. It was a decision none of us took lightly or flippantly, but it was something that had to happen for the future of the band." Robertson said that Page, who he's known since grade school, has talked about pursuing theatrical interests. Page is currently on probation from a drug possession arrest last July in upstate New York."Steve still has our support, and always will have it," Robertson said. "We're still intrinsically tied together both logistically and emotionally. I think you're going to see great things from Steve."Robertson said he, multi-instrumentalist Kevin Hearn, bassist Jim Creeggan and drummer Tyler Stewart plan to hit the studio in April with an eye towards a fall release, most likely with "a very fancy producer" he can't yet name. "The new songs we're writing are great," Robertson reports. "There are still four writers and singers and four multi-instrumentalists in Barenaked Ladies, so there's a lot to draw on going forward."

Robertson added that he wasn't planning to make any public comments regarding the split with Page. But reading fan postings on message boards after the announcement "was really difficult, because they're so freaked out," and he urged them "just to try not to draw any conclusions yet. We're going to go in and make a great album, and we're going to go out and do a bunch of great shows. That's what we plan to do."Plans for a Barenaked Ladies 20th anniversary box set, also due out this year, are also proceeding, according to Robertson.

Club Jen and Lizzy

The rules :)

#1 no drunk squirrels.

#2 no drinking (I fought this rule)

#3 No smoking unless you are on fire

#4 no being on fire

#5 No being silly or noisy

#6 Ignore rule #5

#7 No burning dinner and setting off the fire alarms (landen's rule)

#8 all girls allowed

#9 boys must be under 3' or over 5'11"

#10 Ignore rule #1

#11 all babies allowed

#12 something about eye color I don't know... it really begins to fall apart after that LOL

Birthday 2009

Mine Mine all Mine!!!

Birthday Pic's 2009 @ Huka bar

Me and my girls

My Adam

My Amers

My Huka (lol)

My pouty face

My BFF's

My pimp and playa

Me and the gang went to huka where BLB was playing.... derek had yet another bar full of people sing happy birthday to me (I'm SO going to kill him) but it was good times for sure. A great big huge "THANKS Y'ALL" to all of those who had a hand in my destruction LOL. It was crazy, and I've never known so many people in one bar in my life... even the guys at the bar knew my name and were giving me shit. Many thanks to tim and sin for the "over the hill" balloons. (OH JOY) It was such fun and a great mix of past and present friends. I loved it!!!

Oh Hell....

And the mayhem begins... lol ...

So we went to "the filling station" out in Magna last night....

.... the things I do for my friends sheesh

BLB was playing so we went to see them.... I had just decided to dye my hair by myself (bad idea) and so I'm an absolute scrub, wearing a hat, and I DON'T WANT MY PICTURE TAKEN

Not that adam will listen... so we're in a fight LOL.

Then derek leads the entire bar singing happy birthday to me. I get to work today to find a giant birthday bee balloon and cards all over my desk.

So much for keeping this birthday on the D L

OY.

Seriously though thanks to everyone for all the birthday wishes
;-D I hope this year rocks too... I could really use a rockin' year right now!

LOVES!

They say its your birthday.....

Oh ... I need to go check but I think I did a post this time last year with the same title... oh well originality is for the birds LoL

but not only am I turning 30 tomorrow (lol) BUT my friends apparently have some evil shit planned. I don't like evil plans.

Well ... unless they are MY evil plans. >;-D

More movie horror mania...

Sally mander... the queen of all salamanders eats CRICKETS.

EWW!!! It was like a horror movie... return of the cricket nation... something... with their buggy eyes looking at me I was terrified one was gonna get out and destroy my house or something. But then I dumped their nasty little gross butts in with sally and she was ecstatic. It was a whole new kind of horror movie but it was one starring sally as the monster that chomped.

Sheesh. the things I do for my animals. OY!

Took my paycheck to vegas and it stayed there!

Ok so vegas is painful... and I'm glad what happens in vegas stays in vegas for the love of god someone should have stopped me... lol I'M KIDDING ... I really don't need anyone else calling me shameless I pretty much just drank WAY WAY WAY too much and kinda sorta accidentally gambled away my car payment. oops. and my credit card payment. and my phone payment.

So much for being responsible. Stupid alcohol. That and not eating all day didn't help a damned thing.... although I'm now going to post the picture of the birthday nacho's that we made at Diablos... and we didn't even get thrown out!!! LoL...

1/4 of these nachos, and a fish taco around noon is all I ate this day... and then we were swilling 99 bananas, 99 peaches, and 99 cherries.... I wonder why I can't remember that much and why I thought all that gambling was a good idea.... DAMN.

And this is why we don't run in high heels...

See how the one knee is twice the size of the other one?? and the carpet burn on the not-as-swollen knee??? ahh good times, good times.... lol

And here is the real rain that almost drowned us :-) my pants were wet to my knees

Almost artistic ;-) here's me N the friends in vegas at rain in the palms hotel ... Vip all night very swank but where the hell did amy and seth go?? DAMN.

Vegas Baby...

What happens in vegas stays in vegas right??

Well that's what I'm banking on this weekend. We'll see how it works out for me. I'll post pictures. oh wait... that defeats the purpose of the happens/stays... oh well.

So anyway... road trip! Yay! I haven't had a road trip in a long time and I need to go play.

Wish me luck that I win enough to pay for my divorce :-)